“Looking for love….”

Senior Musings for February, 2013
“Looking for love….”
Several months ago I was asked to moderate a forum. I arrived at my destination with a fresh new hair style and a new outfit. I received some complements by several persons; one older woman’s question was “Are you getting ready to try match.com”? Taken aback, I stammered “no, I guess I could, though.” The woman later confided that she was going on a camping trip with a man she met via the Internet. I have not heard how that turned out. The thing that this exchange left me with is: do we only want to look good to impress a man? (This is a whole other topic to be discussed at a later time.)

I continue to hear about more and more seniors who are turning to the net for dating ;we are surfing the net instead of going to single bars and clubs. Online dating literally opens up the world for possibilities. As I mused about this, I remember that there were times when men explored a new part of the country where women were scarce, they “mail ordered” women to come and be their brides. So maybe the woman who moved across country to move in with a man she met on the net is not so different. Sometimes these unions last and sometimes they do not. In a particular situation I know about, the relationship lasted 6 months. The man didn’t waste any time trying to get connected with another person. One of the funniest commercials,(can’t remember which one) is the woman who introduces her date she met on line, supposedly someone who speaks French or a Frenchman. He has difficulty pronouncing “Bonjour.” We continue to hear about situations where persons have posed and presented themselves as one thing online, hoping to get a date, only to find in real life that it was a false representation. A picture does not do the trick because you can share one when you were younger or slimmer. Or it can be of another person.

And then there is the saga of Manti Te’o, Notre Dame football player. Is he the victim of a hoax or a participant? He said he had an online romance with a woman he never met and was told later that she had died from leukemia. We are still trying to sort this out. Somehow all of the above brought to mind Waylon Jennings song “Looking for love in all the wrong places; looking for love in too many faces”. Recently, while reading in a favorite book THE WISDOM OF AWAKENING by Mark Nepo, I came across the idea of how we represent ourselves to others. The author is writing about unconditional love. “Unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the deep vow to never, under any circumstance, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other.” Don’t we always try to put our best foot forward, even to those who we know and love? To me, it is awesome to think of being this transparent without the fear of being rejected.

And this brings us to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, Kenan Professor of Psychology at UNC whose book LOVE 2.0 How our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do and Become. The book will be out in February. Her research is on positivity of which love is one component. It is interesting what she says love is not: Love is not:
Sexual desire
A special bond
Commitment
Exclusive
Lasting
Unconditional

“Love is an interpersonally situated experience marked by momentary increases in shared positive emotions, bio-behavioral synchrony and mutual care which over time builds: support, social bonds and commitment.” We will need to break this down once we read the book.

I also found it relevant to our musing about internet dating that she identifies love’s two conditions: safety and connection-eye contact, face time. I wonder if she addresses the role of the internet. I realize these are only snippets from her found on the internet. Stay tuned.

Anyway, I hope your Valentine is true love-however you may define it. I am nancappy@msn.com

Article By Nancy M. Hall